I feel lost…or at least that’s how I’ve felt the last 2 months. I don’t know where to begin…
Everyday has been a constant struggle for me to get through…well it was in the beginning. Not so much anymore as I surround myself with positivity and completely consume myself in writing and my job and my house.
Most of you are probably thinking What is she talking about? What happened? It has taken me this long to accept what is and to come out and tell my story without feeling depressed and saddened. For a while, my writing was failing and I just wanted to give up. I had to find some way to channel my thoughts and feelings and emotions into my passions.
Almost 2 months ago, my fiance left me for another women. It was actually on the night we sat down and started planning our wedding and he just got up grabbed his stuff and left. The next day he shows back up at my house telling me he left me for someone else. Talk about feeling completely crushed. How do I feel? How do I cope? Why has this happened? Were the questions constantly going through my mind every second of every day. I couldn’t get myself to go to work…I was on the verge of losing everything I worked for. I couldn’t bring myself to sit down at my computer desk and write so much as a paragraph. When I did, thoughts of him would cloud my mind. I cried for days…the feeling of being alone completely took over.
It wasn’t until my eyes began to open up to the true person he is that he hid from me for 2 years that I started to take a stand in my life and move on. He wanted me to basically drop everything in my life for him and cater to all his attention needs. He began to treat me like the pile of dirt he walked on and expected me to kiss his shoes. He didn’t think I would ever eventually see it, but I did. It took me blocking him from everything to leave me alone. It took many nights of me crying and hurting to fully move on and move past this. I had to constantly remind myself of the person he is. How can people be so sickening and disturbing and think that’s ok to live? How many drugs does it take to truly mess up the thought process and make you become disturbing?
I started writing again. I’m working again and constantly surrounded by the positive in my life. That is the only way I’ll be able to stay sane and keep my eyes on my goals in life. I have no other words to describe the pain, the hurt, the sickness, every other emotion possibly felt in the book. I was going to marry this guy…so what does that make me? Crazy? Just as disturbing as him? Some days I feel that way even though I know it’s not true. He played me like an old school piano and left me blind to it all. He refused to grow up into a man so instead he’s happy living as a man child the rest of his life going after vulnerable women. The thought makes my skin crawl all over because that is exactly what he did to me. Made me believe every day he was in love with me when he was only in love with what I did for him.
My life is better now. I haven’t spoken to him in almost 2 weeks. The feelings are starting to go away and subside making me feel even better as each day passes. I’m getting more into my life routines and writing more. I’m being happy just being me and being alone. I had to work on repairing my shattered heart every day…it’s still not fully put back together yet, but the wounds are healing nicely. I never really noticed how much of myself he took from me when he was with me until the day he left me. My book I’m writing now…the girl is just like him. I started putting more emotions into my book without realizing I made the girl to be just like my ex. I am going to finish it and finish the series…just means that there is going to be alot of my own emotions put into this series. It may be hard for me at times to write because of it, but I know I will finish it eventually. Just know, that if you read it when it is done and published, you will feel what I’ve been feeling. I’d rather people experience that through a book instead of real life.
Anyway, I’m going to leave this blog here. I just wanted to write out a short blog to help my writers block and to get out all of my pent up feelings. Put everything into words basically because it all helps me heal and move on.