As we get older, we get much wiser because of the life experiences we overcome. As I have gotten older I’ve come to realize that I am just now finding the person I really am. This person who I used to be was a shadow of my past, the things I have been through; a shell as you would put it to protect myself from all the hurt life has in store. I’ve grown up all these years knowing in my head who I wanted to be, but was constantly being pushed in other directions. I was confused, fighting a constant battle in my head of “first impressions” or having to be a certain way when I was very unhappy living that way. It grew to sadly be a part of the person I was, a shell. A shell I wanted to so desperately break free from and run away.
It has been a long life battle with trying to shed that shell and just be the person I could say I loved being everyday. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I was depressed, maybe I was. I was always looked at differently and always frowned upon. In some ways I felt like I had to be a part of what I like to call “the snood” club. Meaning I had to dress a certain way, I had to act a certain way, basically like I was a Barbie Doll. “No don’t dye your hair that color, you should do something more natural” or “You can’t have piercings because they look horrible”. Why can’t people understand that it is about the individual style or the individual expressing themselves? This to me is one of the things that causes teen suicide. These emotions start in your teens because your trying to branch out and find that person you are or the person you want to be. As a person who has been there and has been battling with these emotions for a while now I can understand how something like this can cause someone to kill themselves; it’s the feeling of wanting to be your own individual on top of the person people want you to be like. The confusion and voices. I am not proud of this, because even though I am a go-getter kind of person I also strive to please people. That is my biggest downfall. That is my main struggle every day. This has also been a learning lesson for me because it is truly exhausting and mind-battling trying to be the person everyone expects you to be. I am always asking myself “Why does it matter what they think?” It doesn’t and I’m learning now it never did, but some people have their ways of drilling it into your head that you HAVE to be what everyone wants you to be. That’s what I grew up with; because to me it was like nobody was happy with the individual I wanted to be.
This is for all those people who feel or felt that same way I did, just be yourself. Who cares what people think of you; you are beautiful on the inside and out as the individual you are. Don’t let anyone tell you differently or make you believe differently. As a person who has been going through this, I can say that it has been getting easier for me. I have someone in my life that loves me just the way I am and tries in every way he can to help me shed the shell that’s been hiding the person I am for so long. He’s been my rock and I am so lucky every day to have him. I love him with all my heart and soul and more and because of him I am beginning to love life and to love myself that much more. I am starting to share my stories like this which is very hard for me to do, but I can only hope that it helps someone out there that is battling with the same identity issues. It’s ok to be different; different means UNIQUE. So be UNIQUE!! Stand out in the crowd like my little purple guy in this below picture ha ha!